You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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