the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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