you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
