he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it's great music for shaving your balls
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
