I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
