If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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