Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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