Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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