Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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