We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
