between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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