we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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