Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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