there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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