Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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