I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
