I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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