I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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