Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
