your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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