i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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