Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
