The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
