if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
