Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
