What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
