This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i dont even know how to be here
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
