This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
