The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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