her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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