my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
