I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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