Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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