the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
