she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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