i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
