Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
