Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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