you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
