There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
