I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
two words...techno handjob
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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