Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
