Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
