I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just forgot I was standing up.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
