My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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