SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
