Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
