this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
