I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
whose ass print is on the piano?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
