I'm lost and stupid without you.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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