Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have post one night stand depression
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