if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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