I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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