The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
