Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
