i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
