I feel like abortions should bother me more
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize