I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
