Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
