2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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