i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
