While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Oh god it's open bar.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
