We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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