M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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